Posts tagged #gifts

Just In Time For Xmas – THE Man-Mas List Is Here!

A Leatherman – The Leatherman is the greatest and coolest tool you can possible own. Mildly more expensive then your regular Swiss Army Knife and 10x more cool looking. But without a doubt, once you own one you'll wonder how you ever lived without it. Oh and last thing on this, the "Skeletool" version of the knife is the most pimp, hands down – look it up.

A MagLite – The thing about a MagLite that you will come to believe once you hold one, you could bludgeon a grizzly to death with it. Additionally, there's the extra benefit of inflated 'cop-like' confidence that comes from scorching the retinas out of anyone that you point it at. You will actually feel the necessity of patrolling your yard, at 2AM naked at least once after you've turned it on.

Ninja Foot Spikes, Hand Claws and a Grappling Hook – Regardless, every man once to know that if he had to he could grab a bag full of these items and ascend any structure for reasons that will remain his, and his alone.

A Laser Pointer – Yes, this little beauty can do it all, spoil a movie, turn a cat into a raving lunatic and of course "point." With that said there's nothing quite as pompous as pulling from your blazer with the elbow patches this trusty little annoyance simply to call detail to something you feel you cannot point at.

The Largest Outdoor Stainless Gas Grill Money Can Buy – While no you're not going to cook for more than 100 people over the weekend, that fact is you could. Plus, given then need to you could use one of these metal clad beauties as a battering ram (also on the list see below) should you need to storm a castle.

A Case Of Patrón Gold – For those of you who drink tequila with any frequencey you can just jump to the next item. Patron Tequila's while not the most expensive buy a long shot are not slouch either. The taste is smooth and even, made entirely from Blue Agave, Patrón comes in five varieties: Silver, Añejo, Reposado Gran Patrón Platinum and Gran Patrón Burdeos.

A Smoking Jacket, A Black And White Photo of A Bomber Pilot And Musket – These three items have created more bullshit stories about "back when things where not as they are now" with the recanting of legendary people, places and events that don't require a shred of proof to be believable.

A Chainsaw – Yes, but I live in an apartment. Be that as it may wuss, you NEED a chainsaw! Zombies, saving babies from burning buildings and of course the monthly shaping of the local topiary. The key to the chainsaw is it must be bigger than your neighbors and it must have orange on it somewhere – universal truth, look it up!

Universal Remote – All men and women should fight over simply one thing. They that controls the remote controls the entertainment destiny of the household. Therefore, if you're really going to master it you must do so with a Universal remote leaving no chance that you will have to loose your seat sifting for another controller.

A Bobcat – Let me remind you that you should have this. What are the chances that the zombies come? Slim, yes. Moat No? We we can remedy that and just about every convieable gardening project known to man with the versitle and über cool Bobcat. Why not a full-sized Caterpillar you say? I like the way you think.

A Kegarator – Let it not be said that safety must indeed come first. That being said what could be safer than bringing the spirit of your local watering hole to your living room? DUI – problem sovled. Liver damage? – mmmm, pass next question.

A Billiards/foosball/dart board & Air-hockey table – Yes, I group these, get over it! Every cave should have the proper entertainment. That being said this 'base' platform of pre-digital gaming units should keep you and yours knee deep in the competitive spirit.

A Wrist-rocket – OF COURSE YOUR COULD SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT! And while this laser version is indeed over the top, so is this list. But you all indeed need a wrist-rocket for those many times you will come out of your bunker in a post-apocalyptic atmosphere and be forced to hunt and feed yourself on oversize radioactive squirrels.

A-Team 1983 GMC G-Series (G-15) Van – Ah, you thought you would never need a van did you? That's because you've never had a van. Of course with that understood toss the laymen's ideal of a Honda Odyssey, or something equally as girlie away. You want the A-TEAM van, because "you ain't flying on no plane!"

Anything Made Soley from Carbon Fiber – We all know that carbon fiber is one of the lightest and strongest materials used for making really expensive things. Therefore, it makes the list in spades not only because it makes you think of sports cars immediately but the fact that it looks like Satan's KFC tablecloth doesn't hurt either.

A Super-Fast Motorcycle –  No one really needs a Super-Fast anything, but the fact is since we can remember we've thought whatever we where doing right now we could be doing it faster. So knowing that, as a spiritual fact, we should all be tearing ass around doing just shy of the speed of light.

Mini-Spy Camera(s) – Everyone's a voyeur in some capacity. ESPECIALLY, if it comes to something/one that they think is there own. This is why mini-spy camera's are so important to the paranoid psyche of everyone that thinks the baby sitter has shifty eyes and just might steal my kid and run to the Mexican black market. Just saying.

A Jeep (Pre 1986 and their stupid square headlights) – You know that one car you regret getting rid of? Mine was a 1981 CJ7, and it pains me to say it but I wish I still had that Jeep. For those of you who've never own and or driven a Jeep in the landscape for that which it was built, you couldn't possibly understand why these Jeeps are as great as they are. As they say, "It's a Jeep thing, you wouldn't understand." Own one before you die.

Exploding Bullets – These bullets are of course illegal but "expanding" bullets are not. Therefore, keep the rustic paranoid home fires burning with some of these little beauties!

A Battering Ram – While admittedly I'd love to say that I'm speaking of the Orc crushing rolling juggernauts made famous in Peter Jackson's Ring's trilogy – I'm not. More the SWAT like fun of blowing most doors apart with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

A Grizzly Bear Taxidermy Statue – This is that object at party's that will clear out the weak.

A Machete – This angry chunk of steel is the quintessential tool in any zombie killers and landscapers arsenal. Nothing lops the heads off of the undead better and with more style.

A Sawed-off Shotgun – Whether your a fan of Mad Max or just illegally shortened weapons this little beauty is for you! Hide it in your coat, or just whip it out to show a group of angry methed out losers loitering around a bus stop. Ah, good times.

A Recliner – It really need not be described how great this piece of furniture is. Let's just say should we be forced into a Monarchy I'm sure the thrown will kick back in style.

A Jacuzzi – There's some part in all of us that wants to have a giant Tom Selleck mustache, or Chuck Norris "complete package" respectfully. And one must then sit in a giant Jacuzzi after a long day of shooting at people or getting shot at. This is how every episode of 'The Fall Guy' ended, and if it didn't it was miscripted.

Two Doberman Pinschers Named "Zeus" & "Apollo" – For those who love and adore the serial television show Magnum P.I. you'll remember these two dogs roamed the grounds of Robin Masters and tried to bite everything in their site. So that's pretty cool, had I been Robin Masters.

A Hovercraft – You can't tell me that every-time you see an Orbitz ad that has the hovercraft guy you don't want one. Well maybe you don't, but if you had one I bet you'd think it was pimp.

A Jet-Pack – I know that I can safely end on this item. Unless you're a total milktoast noo-noo pants you want to own your own Jet Pack. I mean could there be anything cooler than quitting a job and saying "peace out bitches!" and flying due North while leaving a wake of calamity, dust and paperwork behind? I think not.

Posted on December 23, 2009 and filed under Entertainment, LOL, Soapbox.